The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
