I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize