suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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