I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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