I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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