you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
