so explain again why im purple
no
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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