I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
