I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
