Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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