Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
