imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
