you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
