drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
