Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
