just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
