She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
