At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
