you traded sex for a burrito?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
