We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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