party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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