When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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