I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
