I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
