Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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