yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
