I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This is my gift to your gina
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
