I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
