I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
