Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
