If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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