My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
