i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
