A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Pants are for mortals
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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