he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
