you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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