Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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