I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Boobs are out for the taking
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
