I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize