How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
