OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
