from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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