I can text with my tongue
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
