You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
