I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
