we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dignity is for republicans.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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