My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
