he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
