he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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