I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
