Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
