i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She announced her abortion via fbk
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
