somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
