the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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