I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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