So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
