I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
